Why the Holidays Feel Hard: Understanding Holiday Stress, Mixed Emotions, and How to Cope
The holiday season tends to come with a certain script: joy, ease, connection, gratitude. And for some people, those feelings show up genuinely. For many others, though, this time of year brings something more mixed. Stress. Irritation. Grief. Exhaustion. A sense of emotional mismatch between how we think we should feel and what’s actually happening inside. If the holidays feel complicated for you, there’s nothing wrong with you. In fact, it’s a perfectly human response to a season that asks a lot, emotionally, socially, logistically, and financially. Below are 5 reasons the holidays commonly stir up difficult feelings, along with small, meaningful ways to navigate them.
1. The Emotional Mismatch: “I’m supposed to feel happy… so why don’t I?”
One of the most common sources of distress during the holidays is the gap between internal emotional reality and external expectation. The media and social media exponentially accentuate that chasm. When the world is broadcasting warmth and cheer, it can make any painful or neutral emotion feel amplified, or even like a personal failing. But emotions don’t follow the calendar. They respond to what’s happening inside us, not what society says the moment should feel like.
A simple approach to take is to acknowledge what’s true for you emotionally, without judgment or comparison. Navigating mixed and changing emotions is a universal human experience, but talking about that struggle is not. Be curious about why your feelings make sense and remind yourself that you are far from alone. Vulnerably opening up to (trusted) others about your feelings may invite them to share theirs in kind, thereby creating an opportunity for connection rather than emotional isolation.
2. The Invisible Work of the Season
A huge portion of holiday stress comes from the unseen labor involved, especially for high-achievers, caretakers, or anyone who tends to be the organizer or fixer in their relationships. This mental labor may include planning events and travel, thinking of and remembering gifts, organizing charitable endeavors, managing children’s schedules, creating special and meaningful experiences, and smoothing over tension between others. Invisible work (even on matters that are exciting or joyful) drains energy quietly but significantly and often leads to resentment, fatigue, loneliness, or feeling underappreciated.
Naming this load - to yourself and others - can help by validating the reasonableness of those feelings (“It makes sense I’m feeling overwhelmed given all that’s swirling around my mind”), setting boundaries (“I can’t host this year”), and securing support (“These are things I can get help with”).
3. Old Family Dynamics Resurface
The holidays often bring people back into the old relational systems that shaped them. This can activate long-standing patterns, even if you’ve done a lot of personal work. An example is the otherwise confident professional who feels 15 years old again around a critical parent. Feeling thrust back into old patterns can feel incredibly frustrating because they seem to “override” all the growth you’ve achieved. But family systems are powerful. Feeling pulled into old roles isn’t a regression. It's predictable.
The goal isn’t to eliminate these responses, but to meet them with awareness (“I recognize this feeling”), limits (“I feel much more at ease in small gatherings so I’m going to see each side of my family separately”), and self-compassion (“This is really hard, and I’ll have empathy for myself as I work through this).
4. Loneliness and Loss Feel Sharper This Time of Year
Even surrounded by people, many individuals feel disconnected during the holidays. Those who are mourning the end of a relationship, who live far from home, and who are grieving the death of a loved one may feel heightened loss or loneliness at this time of year. The contrast between what you’re “supposed” to feel and what you do feel can make loneliness or grief more intense.
Rather than trying to override these emotions, it can help to treat them as part of your emotional landscape: unwelcome, maybe, but meaningful. Be curious about how to honor and truthfully grieve whom you’re missing while investing in other parts of your life or relationships that give you meaning and comfort.
5. Disrupted Routines Make Everything Harder
Humans rely on rhythm and predictability. The holidays (travel, altered work schedules, packed calendars, school vacations) interrupt all of it. Even positive disruption can dysregulate the body. For example, someone with demanding work feels pressure to relax, even though their nervous system is still on high alert, which can lead to frustration and disappointment.
Responding to this challenge requires a delicate balance of routine and letting go. What aspects of your routine can you integrate (even in a limited or brief way - as hard as that is for perfectionists!), and how can you lean into and welcome the change, the slowing down, and the opportunity to rest?
Final Thoughts
If this season feels heavy, complicated, or “off,” you’re not alone. Many people move through the holidays carrying more than anyone can see. Your emotional experience doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s. You can approach this season gently, with honesty about what’s hard and appreciation for what’s meaningful. And if the holidays bring up big feelings (old wounds, grief, tension, or simply exhaustion), therapy can be a grounding place to make sense of it.
Wishing you clarity, steadiness, and space to feel what’s true for you this season.
